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The secret email addresses i set up which no one knew i had but me.Saving files in deep directories where no one would think of finding them. But there is also an aspect of absurdity about this whole thing.During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorized 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this. The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely.I don’t know if that makes me a “better” porn addict than the next porn addict. It severely restricted my access to pornography, and though the addiction didn’t cut off completely, it was definitely a practical step in the right direction.Don’t let it be the case too often that he comes homes to find you wearing some lame tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt – or worse your pajamas. Perhaps having a second wife might satisfy a brother’s need for variety. Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins”  ———— One sin leads to another, and this addiction makes you sin in other ways. I never, ever used to lie before, but after this addiction caught hold, lying became habitual as i concocted story after story to cover my tracks: why was i on the computer for so long last night? And subhanallah, no one is as resourceful as one whose mind has been overcome by the need to satisfy his lusts.Sneaking away to be alone with the computer, altering the computer’s history so that no one could find which sites i had visited or which files i had downloaded.You don’t realize the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it.
But let this next event sum it up for you: me standing in Mecca asking Allah to help me stop committing this sin, asking Allah to kind of like flick off a switch and just bring it to a stop, because i am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my shameful desires and my Muslim conscience, and i just want it to stop but its proving too difficult right now.Knowing that i am a practicing Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling. And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time – hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.He was a famous worshiper from Bani Israeel, who was led astray step by step by Shaitaan until his last action was to leave the religion.In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that.
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Its a slippery slope that ends with you in a place where a Muslim shouldn’t be. Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction?